Thursday, June 9, 2011 at 4:31pm
“In the first place, I shouldn’t be here…” went on my thoughts of regrets as I took a seat at the farthest. It was a strategy so I could sneak out as soon as the couple makes their grand entrance to the banquet hall. But I decided to stay for the sake of my friend who happens to be the bride. What I dreaded the most is when the host (MC) called on all the single ladies for the ceremonial throwing of bouquette. Worst was when the couple started to coach the host for names as if a roll call! To be honest, when I reached thirty, I started to dread attending weddings!
The pressure started when one good Sunday morning, one elderly lady in our church sincerely told me “Oh, I really pity you. Why is it that until now, you have not gotten married yet?” I just laughed at her statement. I knew that she meant it for good. But when you’re twenty-seven, there seemed to be truth to that of being pitied by many. According to some studies, it is common among unattached single ladies in their 30’s to easily succumbed to self –pity. And this leads to giving-in to the pressure at the expense of compromising moral convictions.
In a so-called couple’s world, single people often find themselves out of place. There are even cultures that view single women in their 30s as “cursed” and young people must avoid associating with them. Others would suspect that thirty-something people must be a homosexual. Ugghh!
My thirty-something journey was filled with twists and turns until I found the highway that led to a secured and meaningful life. Thank God for the company of faithful women who stood with me. I allowed myself to be mentored and coached by them.
How did I survive the storms of a single life? How did I overcome my own emotional crises? Did I come out unscathed? Not at all! But praise God, I came out victorious—a kind of victory that only the grace of God could usher in. May I share some truths/principles (and please bear with the length) that helped me survived the life as a single woman:
1) “I am a child of God and my identity is secured in Christ.”
This helped me filter the trash which media promotes about love, beauty and success. Although the emotional turmoil could be very strong and physical affection is way too much to handle, a lot of times I found myself giving in.
We find ourselves trapped in some lies for a while and eventually gotten our selves out by God’s grace. I have my own share of painful memories as a result of falling short from my commitment to God. And yet His grace led me to go back to the truth that nothing (not even my own doings) could ever separate me from His love. (Romans 8:28-30)
2) "My life is in God’s hand, He is in full control—regardless I recognize it or not."
One day, while brushing my hair in front of the mirror, I saw streaks of white hair. “Oh no!” I was in panic. My thoughts led me to imagine myself old and grey and still single! “Lord, who will take care of me? What if I get sick, really sick and I am alone? No one will take care of me, Lord.”
For two long hours, I dwelled on the thought that I will grow old alone if I will not marry. And concluded that I should marry by hook or by crook because I don’t want to grow old alone!
Lo and behold, God gently reminded me of one conversation with one of my mentors, Ate Lala (who joyfully lives a single life although I am still hoping she will marry!). She told me of this experience. One late afternoon, she came home very tired from campus ministry. She was not feeling well. And there’s no one in the staff house yet and she’s getting hungry. There’s laundry that needs to be done. Then she starts to feel bad about it and on the brink of complaining. But then she prayed for God’s strength. After a short while, there knocking on her door, one of the ladies she was ministering came and offered to cook and do the laundry as well. God sent someone to help! She was awed to experience such kind of provision from God. And all the more she understood that indeed, God is our ultimate provider.
Recalling that story ministered or should I say rebuked my erring thoughts. I immediately composed myself (because I was crying hard in panic). And aligned my thoughts on the very character of God, on the truth that He will never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5) because He lovingly held me in the palm of His hands.
3) “It’s Christ who completes me.” The early 30’s of my life were so far the most turbulent years. I was forewarned about these emotional “turbulences” of single women from age 30 to 35, i.e., she would experience difficulty in handling her emotions, particularly the longing of being secured--- physically and emotionally with a man. A lot of cases have been recorded about women of this age range who fell into a destructive relationship.
Mine may not be a sensational story but I must admit that for sometime, my fellowship with God was not full. The choice I made at the height of such developmental crisis created a gap between me and my God. Not that He was far, in fact He’s drawing nearer and this made me uncomfortable all the more!
Until one day, I was offered a career that would take me 180 degrees away from my comfort zone. That would also mean giving up a cherished-relationship. I was already 35 years old then. In obedience to God’s leading, I accepted the job and flew far away from home.
As the turbulence slowed down, I began to entertain the idea of singleness as a STATE of life. I read biographies of single people who made a great impact to humanity—the likes of Henrietta Miers, Mo. Theresa, and of course, the apostle Paul. Not that I want to impact the whole universe. I just want to know their "secrets" how they ever survived the single life all through out. But of course, I don't have to go far. Three of my mentors are single women in their 50s and 60s. ;-)
4) “I keep company with like-minded people.”
One of the most cherished possession of a single person is his freedom to explore the world at his own pace. As for me, I delighted on the different opportunities God has given—like visiting all key cities in the country, overseas travels for brief conferences and study tours, meeting different people, post graduate studies, different training, world missions opportunities, etc. Every opportunity I counted as something that will be useful for the next stop.
What a privilege to be surrounded by women who are truly passionate to love God above all. My co-sojourners are in fact younger by 3 years or more, and yet, their love for God and the lost are truly contagious!
I always LOOK BACK WITH PRAISE for how our loving Heavenly Father led me through each step of the way in my journey as a single person. And in retrospect, every twist and turn God worked out for good, thus prepared me to a married life.
I smile when I shift to the present how this praise would turn to comfort. Knowing that the above-principles I held on during those turbulent times still apply to whatever season of life I may be in.
Yes, it's not the principle per se, but the power of God and His Word behind them that we could confidently say we will RISE ABOVE. Timeless!
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